Whether you are a parent or childless, you have been there; the grocery store, restaurant, walking past a car - parked or not- and especially at a park, when it begins. The whining, the pleading, the incessant talking and negotiating. The tone just sets you on edge. If you are lucky, you can thank your stars that you are not responsible for that family, and walk away in your little non-whiner world. Annoying."Come on! Let's go! I want to go to the ice cream place now!"
"No, that's not what I want!"
"I said NOW!"
"Stop! I don't want you to do that!"
"Help me find my thingy!"
The whiny request to do something, go somewhere, find something, and the whine of non appreciation when things are given. Seriously; enough is enough.
Wait. Did you think I was talking about children? No, I am talking about adults, and perhaps even you.
Long ago, a small and seemingly insignificant story in a magazine made a huge impression. The story, written by a mom, described extraordinary lengths taken for her daughter's birthday. Cakes were made in an elaborate and special shape. There were balloons, and party favors, and all other kinds of festive accoutrements, only to later have her daughter -- wait for it --- NOT APPRECIATE her efforts! Then the whining started and I do not mean from the daughter:
"I worked so hard to make this cake!"
"These party favors cost me a fortune!"
"I am exhausted, and did all of this for her and all I get is complaints!"
...and so on...
Does this sound familiar? Be honest; your ideas, your actions, brilliant and flawless in execution, lay on the ground as someone 'doesn't appreciate.' What happens next? Whining. Be honest again; for whom were these actions done? In the story above, not for the daughter, but for the mother and her needs of appreciation, or for what she imagined her daughter wanted.
Kirk Martin, a brave and brilliant force in the arena of parenting a child with ADD/ADHD, (http://www.celebratecalm.com/) brings this to light in a most every email post. I call him brave because he first says, nicely, his number one rule of Control Thyself, calling on parents to first examine and get control of their emotions. He also is brave because he admits to not being the guy in control for so long, and notes that now that he is, this has caused a radical relationship change with his son in a positive way. For more about Kirk and tools, see a recent clip from Kirk at
http://myemail.constantcontact.com/Do-You-Really-Want-Well-Behaved-Kids--Mother-s-Day-Sale.html?soid=1101440021553&aid=Wz_zHwJHlnw
My own upbringing was one of strong will struggles, and of being required to do as asked. I can't say that, upon reflection, it was a bad thing, although my strong sense of independence dictated that I would break away from that as soon as possible so I could become a true Boss of Myself. When I did become a parent, my style was a mix of 'do what I say' and 'hey, look at how nice I am - not like my parents who would never care how I felt about this.' Both caused internal struggles. One thing that saved me from feeling victim to not feeling appreciated, and subsequent whining, internal or external, is the mantra of No Whining.
Here is how it works. After doing something for someone with no appreciation after the fact, ask yourself if what you did was requested of you. If your child/spouse/special person has asked you to do something, and no appreciating ensues, you are in your rights to express displeasure. Not whining, but really, honestly saying, "Hey, I feel a little unappreciated that you didn't thank me for doing X." If you did something for someone, not requested by them (the cake and party as in the story I referred to above), and no appreciation ensues, stop and think--for whom was that done? You may have done it for YOU, not for another. When doing things for my children or others, I imagine gratitude and awe; "Wow, what a great mom/friend/daughter/coworker." If I am really, really honest, I did those things to gain social approval or an elevation of how I am perceived.
The mantra of No Whining means an important thing; not being a victim. When doing a nice act, absent a request, I try to do it without expectation of praise or appreciation. Now, don't be silly and say out loud that you feel bringing someone a cold drink without a request does deserve a 'thank you'. Of course it does, but know that the action originated from your need (hey, look at me being all concerned about my guest/being well mannered, etc.) and although common courtesy dictates a thanks, if it doesn't come, that does not give license to whine and be a victim. Unless this person is your child of a training age, nothing need be said, and you may not tell yourself how you are nice to people and no one appreciates you!
Experiment with No Whining for a week, a day or an hour, even. Let me know how it went, and if you experience, as I did, the difficulty of it, as well as the wonderful shift of mindset.
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