On friendships falling apart

I read a few select blogs just to see what others are thinking, and more importantly, what they feel is important to write about.  I long to read something that makes me pause, look away from the computer or page, and feel an 'ah ha' impact. In Havi's The Fluent Self post of August 25, 2010, www.fluentself.com/blog/personal/a-letter-not-really-in-a-bottle-but-sort-of/  I read, 

"Let friendships fall apart if they need to."  

Poetic, beautiful and painful to read that post was for me.

Much of my life has been spent trying to either get or keep relationships exactly where I want them – mainly that the other person loves me, wants to spend time with me, and shows those two things, preferably every day.  I also want to be a sphere of influence, say the right thing, offer assistance, and be indispensable.  “I don’t know what I would do without her!!”  We all do things to avoid jeopardizing friendships and relationships, and sometimes make choices designed to guarantee that will not happen.  If this resonates , I am sure you share my bewilderment in those that do not seem to have this affliction, this predilection.  You know the type – does what he or she wants, generally fucks up by being unreliable, uncaring, and yet, people still love that person!  No fair, you may cry!!  If you are like me, you spend so much time on giving and being there, and that you don’t even know if that is what you want to do, nor if the person for whom you are spilling all of your attention, care and time appreciates or even notices.

How to stand your ground, be true to self without fear of jeopardizing a relationship or friendship,  and more importantly, how to assess whether the friendship is a sinking ship, or perhaps a changeling, morphing into something else?  What would happen if you let go (notice I did not say let IT go), not make all the work?  Would the friendship fall apart?  And if it does, is that the final place it will rest – will it fall apart and STAY apart for good?  Or will it knit itself back together?  I never feel brave enough to find out.

In Havi's post, she says, “You are a sovereign being. You are not defined by these friendships.”

I have defined myself by my relationships and have suffered emotional implosions when things fall apart.  On what would turn out to be our the last real conversation, I argued with a boyfriend, knowing that the talk was not and would not turn to what I wanted; for him to say, "Oh, never mind; I love you and want this to work out with you.  Please, let’s do what we can to put this right."  It was clear that he was not going to say those things, and yet I continued talking, and hoping.  My heart desperately thought that despite the slews of ‘you said this’ or ‘you did that’, that I could hold off the inevitable -- because all I could think of was, "Please don’t hang up.  When we hang up, I will not exist with you anymore, and I cannot bear it."


Again, Havi -- "You are a sovereign being.  You are not defined by these friendships."

I have close friends who have very different definitions of friendships and how those friendships define them.  One sees the impermanence in life and wants to go with what will make her happy.  Another is a friend to all, very open to new friendships and manages to be tolerant of missteps of those with whom she is close.  My oldest friend is loyal and suffers from my same affliction of trying and doing for others, however her recent health scare has also shown her that she must just let things go if it causes too much drama in her life.  And another…I still have not figured her out, and partly because I feel I have to woo her to keep her as a friend. 


So now, I will let things, and relationships take the course they will take, they need to take, and try to remember I am not defined by those connections.