When life is a 'complicated order.'

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"Do not get loud with me."

One of my favorite Mad TV skits is Bon Qui Qui at the King Burger.  Essentially, it's a skit about a fast food employee, Bon Qui Qui, and how she interacts with customers and does (or doesn't do) her job as expected.   One customer, a young woman, orders, among other things, a cookies and cream milk shake.  Bon Qui Qui looks up when she hears the word, 'milk shake', and says, "You sure you don't just want a coke?"  The customer is incredulous and affirms that she does, indeed, want a shake.  Bon Qui Qui flatly explains how how difficult it is to make a shake, and she doesn't even know how to use that machine, and ends solidly with,  "No. You can have a coke." Another customer asks for something more than the usual on his burger. Bon Qui Qui rolls her eyes, grabs the microphone, and over the loud speaker says,  "I got a complicated order..."

Ever heard the phrase, "Sometimes you're the windsheild, sometimes you're the bug"? In my world, sometimes I am Bon Qui Qui, and sometimes I am the customer.

Yes, I know this skit is a parody on customer service, but I can't help but find pleasure in her refusal to do what is expected, and of course to make an analogy.  When I am in the mood to take control of  what life dishes out by circumstance or person, I feel as if I have been handed a 'complicated order.'   So, I channel Bon Qui Qui, setting limits, flatly saying what I will or will not do.  "No, You can have a coke."  Sometimes I doubt myself after the fact and wonder whether I should have been so bold, so...I don't know...ME.  Still, I was me, said what I said, did what I did, and I deal with public opinion.

At other times, I am the customer, incredulous that my order is not as I want, worried that others may find me difficult, picky for asking for anything.  Here is where I am the bug, the victim, dumbfounded, to what just happened.  But I am the customer!  I have been wronged!  Where is the manager!?  (and so on).  

Bon Qui Qui may be fictional, but I love to see her stand up for herself, because I sometimes have trouble doing that.  Next time the opportunity arises, I may be saying, "Do not get loud with me," and really mean it and not care what you think.

Living in France

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I have always wanted to live in France.  I don't know why France has a hold on me,  but it absolutely does.  I began French language study in middle school and continued in college.  Two visits to France are under my belt, and yet each year that passes, for one reason or another, I am still living in the United States, with no real plan to move other than the dream.  I wonder if I will ever pursue that dream in ernest, or will it remain an interesting talking point --  "I love France!  I am going to live there some day!  Honestly!!!  (Really?)

While I am wondering, and challenging that dream,  I have to ask if I am a 'gonna' person -- someone who says they want to do this or that, and yet never does.  Excuses are allowed to those who do not or cannot carry out a dream due to circumstances.  When my father, a well traveled man, grew sick, I asked him if he thought he would ever go to Australia, a place he dreamed of visiting.  Flatly, he said no, and I knew his world travels were over, as he accepted that this one would not be realised.  It did not happen for him because he ran out of time.  What is my excuse?

The trouble with deciding to fulfill a dream, particularly a long standing one, is a lingering fear that if the dream is realized, one may also realize that it was a mistake.  Barbara Sher, author, speaker and master at helping people fulfill their dreams, addressed this in her recent post.  Someone's dream was to be a writer, which she finally persued, only to discover that she hated it!  Would I discover that I really did not want to move to France?  When would I discover that -- after I had sold everything and moved there?

What I viewed as horrible, Barbara viewed as excitingly good, since the wannabe writer was free to see what part of writing she liked, and only then could she more clearly define her dream.  Message received; always move forward, and the truth will reveal along the way.  Staying still, living with a fear of making a wrong decision, is what is making me stagnant.

I don't know if I have to actually move to France to know if I want to move to France, but I do know that I still have the dream, and I will not judge myself as a 'gonna' person.   Instead, I will pursue the parts of the dream, and judge for myself what parts are mine to keep, and which are those that need to fall along the way.

On friendships falling apart

I read a few select blogs just to see what others are thinking, and more importantly, what they feel is important to write about.  I long to read something that makes me pause, look away from the computer or page, and feel an 'ah ha' impact. In Havi's The Fluent Self post of August 25, 2010, www.fluentself.com/blog/personal/a-letter-not-really-in-a-bottle-but-sort-of/  I read, 

"Let friendships fall apart if they need to."  

Poetic, beautiful and painful to read that post was for me.

Much of my life has been spent trying to either get or keep relationships exactly where I want them – mainly that the other person loves me, wants to spend time with me, and shows those two things, preferably every day.  I also want to be a sphere of influence, say the right thing, offer assistance, and be indispensable.  “I don’t know what I would do without her!!”  We all do things to avoid jeopardizing friendships and relationships, and sometimes make choices designed to guarantee that will not happen.  If this resonates , I am sure you share my bewilderment in those that do not seem to have this affliction, this predilection.  You know the type – does what he or she wants, generally fucks up by being unreliable, uncaring, and yet, people still love that person!  No fair, you may cry!!  If you are like me, you spend so much time on giving and being there, and that you don’t even know if that is what you want to do, nor if the person for whom you are spilling all of your attention, care and time appreciates or even notices.

How to stand your ground, be true to self without fear of jeopardizing a relationship or friendship,  and more importantly, how to assess whether the friendship is a sinking ship, or perhaps a changeling, morphing into something else?  What would happen if you let go (notice I did not say let IT go), not make all the work?  Would the friendship fall apart?  And if it does, is that the final place it will rest – will it fall apart and STAY apart for good?  Or will it knit itself back together?  I never feel brave enough to find out.

In Havi's post, she says, “You are a sovereign being. You are not defined by these friendships.”

I have defined myself by my relationships and have suffered emotional implosions when things fall apart.  On what would turn out to be our the last real conversation, I argued with a boyfriend, knowing that the talk was not and would not turn to what I wanted; for him to say, "Oh, never mind; I love you and want this to work out with you.  Please, let’s do what we can to put this right."  It was clear that he was not going to say those things, and yet I continued talking, and hoping.  My heart desperately thought that despite the slews of ‘you said this’ or ‘you did that’, that I could hold off the inevitable -- because all I could think of was, "Please don’t hang up.  When we hang up, I will not exist with you anymore, and I cannot bear it."


Again, Havi -- "You are a sovereign being.  You are not defined by these friendships."

I have close friends who have very different definitions of friendships and how those friendships define them.  One sees the impermanence in life and wants to go with what will make her happy.  Another is a friend to all, very open to new friendships and manages to be tolerant of missteps of those with whom she is close.  My oldest friend is loyal and suffers from my same affliction of trying and doing for others, however her recent health scare has also shown her that she must just let things go if it causes too much drama in her life.  And another…I still have not figured her out, and partly because I feel I have to woo her to keep her as a friend. 


So now, I will let things, and relationships take the course they will take, they need to take, and try to remember I am not defined by those connections.

Why "57" is awkward

At times, I take issue with aspects of things that, in general, I enjoy or like.  The movie line that seems off (although I am enjoying the movie); the person who must stand too close to me (although I am enjoying the conversation).  It is that way, today, with my birthday, which I very much enjoy but dislike the number; like today, which is birthday 57.

I love my birthday; I really do.  The fact that the number - 57- bothers me is something I will have to be annoyed with for 364 more days.  This annoyance of the actual number isn't that same as the surprise I feel when I think of being 'that old'.   I don't feel 57 or any number in the 50s.  That separate feeling is of mild shock when I really look at my body, and note what I physically can and cannot do, or my increased concern about safety (like deciding not to go on the roof myself to clean the gutters).  Those things I can ignore as I apply makeup, and convince myself I look pretty good or walk longer than my teenager wants to walk before getting tired.  No, this is an annoyance I must face every single day.  I am 57.  57.  Stupid 57.

I asked my 12 year old what he thinks about this quirk of mild annoyance with a number.  "I know what you mean!  I am 12, which is weird, and soon I will be  13, which is weird!"  We continued, as I drove him to his dad's house, on what numbers feel right and which do not.  19 is weird, 21 is both cool (because of what it offers) and stupid because it feels weird.  Up the numbers scale we went, and in all, I was so pleased to have my son, my flesh, agree with me that some numbers are just plain annoying.

What to say?  "I am almost 58" ?  Saying that opens questions, makes me one year older, and forces me to deal with my own feeling of being so close to 60!  60!  Now that is a stupid number!  For now, I will try on 57, and learn to be comfortable with it, and comfortable with my feelings of getting older.  However, I am looking pretty cute today, and expect my friends to tell me that it is impossible that I am 57.  Indeed.